TORI

I want her to get to know my friends... She never seems to want to but always says you can go when i ask her to go out with me and my friends.. why is this?? I dont understand... I want my friends to get to know her seeing as how she will be a big part of my life for a long time i hope.. I dunno.. Im kinda hurt right now i guess.. I feel a little sad.. but im gonna go .. and im gonna get fucked up.. with or without her.. I wish she would just come though.

Follow the steps at the end, this is pretty creepy!
>
1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin
Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number
11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers.
6+5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.
9 + 1 + 1 = 11.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. >2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.

>Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

>4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
>
>Now this is where things get totally eerie:
>
>The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic

>holy book:
>"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. he wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
>
>That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.
>
>Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
>
>Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
>
>1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
>plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.
>
>2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
>
>3. Change the font size to 48.
>
>4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

NOW REPOST THIS WITHIN 911 SECONDS WITH THE TITLE "WEIRD 9/11 FACTS" OR YOUR FAMILY'S NEXT PLANE TRIP WILL CRASH AND EVERYONE WILL DIE

From: The Best You Ever Had Was Never Good Enough
Date: Feb 15, 2006 1:07 AM

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Beautiful
Date: Feb 6, 2006 12:24 AM

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: When I die,Im going2come back&scare the ones loved
Date: Feb 5, 2006 9:14 PM

<tr valign="middle" bgcolor="ffffff">
<td width="14%" bgcolor="E8F1FA">Body:</td>
<td width="575" style="word-wrap:break-word">

my life is so crazy right now.. i hurt so many people and i dont mean to but hey thats just me i guess... im just a fuck up huh?? im so ready to just be gone.. old habits may be coming back and they may just kill me this time... i cant take it.. IM SICK OF IT!! Im starting to hate myself again... and when u hate yourself completely you cant love anyone else and i hope to god i dont get to thet point today... but sadly im almost there. just everyone dont come ok? just dont.. stay home go to work and mind your business.. pretend like you never knew me at all ok? its easier that way for everyone.... hope all is well for you.

lots of things have been pretty crazy lately.. ive lost a friend or two but made new... Im mending old relationships and starting new exciting ones... i went to Vegas.. i had to force myself to leave... I had such a great time.... it seemed like it wasnt long enough though... i considered moving there i still havent decided.. i have so much going on .. Brooke (baby sister 3yrs) was so adorable.. i miss her so much.. Brittney and Brandon(16yrs) are so grown up and wade(10) is still as sweet as can be and taylor(12yrs) i love him so much we did a lot of bonding while i was there... i miss them all so much. i wish it didnt go by so fast... I have new support systems.. and i think im falling in love... im not sure.. im not sure if it would be a good thing to say so quickly... im not sure im ready to say it... im not sure im ready for love again.. i know i have to give it a chance.. we are such good company together.. we have so many things in common but enough not in common to have things to talk about and teach each other new things.. im not sure how its all going to go or how it will end or if it will end i just know im having a really great time and im happier than i have been since i got here... so i just need to have a good time and make a wonderful time and be happy just be happy and do things for me for awhile...i hope all is well with all of you... i miss all of you very much... keep in touch

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real cool
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can we ever find a job that won't interfere with a tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

La, la, la, la…
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la…
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

I'm in Florida its hot hahaha sucks for yall with snow... i love you and miss you all and i will be home with a supprise soon.

Uh, uh, uh

You’re never trying to eat
Always stood right by me
Make living lively
Highly spoken of
My only love
The only one, you’re my wifey
Make my life complete, sweet
But you know when to flip it street
Freak, but only when it comes to me
See that’s why you’re my wifey

This you should know
Cause you had my mind blown, oh, oh
Full of junk at the club on bump, like what
I had to have you babe
Saw you outside, passenger side
Cause I let my best friend drive
You was in line
That’s when you caught my eyes girl

You were so beautiful, girl
It was so critical, girl
You looked so crucial, girl
Something about you is everything
You are mine

You’re never trying to eat
Always stood right by me
Make living lively
Highly spoken of
My only love
The only one, you’re my wifey
Make my life complete, sweet
But you know when to flip it street
Freak, but only when it comes to me
See that’s why you’re my wifey

You know you’re sexy too
I like your attitude
I ain’t even mad at you
Girl, you’re still my boo
Either braids or weave,
Skirt or jeans you’re still my queen
Baby-girl go do your thing
I’m so glad you’re on my team

You were so beautiful, girl
It is so critical, girl
You looked so crucial, girl
Something about you is everything
You are mine

You’re never trying to eat
Always stood right by me
Make living lively
Highly spoken of
My only love
The only one, you’re my wifey
Make my life complete, sweet
But you know when to flip it street
Freak, but only when it comes to me
See that’s why you’re my wifey

Someone I can spend my life with
Leave the keys to the benz
Wedding band with your gems
You’re someone I feel all right with
Someone to have my kids
Someone I can depend

You’re never trying to eat
Always stood right by me
Make living lively
Highly spoken of
My only love
The only one, you’re my wifey
Make my life complete, sweet
But you know when to flip it street
Freak but only when it comes to me
See that’s why you’re my wifey

Skinny designer fit real jiggy
Ain’t afraid to hump with me
When we get busy
Ride out I licky-licky
’till I get dizzy
Toes done, fresh scent
I think it’s sizzly
Oh someone who was down with me
Used to struggle
Now I both count the g’s with me
Pop the champagne
Let’s take a sippy-sippy
Describe you I try to
You’re my wifey

Will you be my wifey?
(yes I’ll be your wifey)
Oh say you’ll be my wifey girl
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Will you be my wifey?
(yes I’ll be your wifey)
Oh say you’ll be my wifey girl
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

yesterdays horoscope:You are more in touch with your feelings today and yet it still may be difficult to verbalize them. You could be cautiously optimistic about your future, but once you begin to share your ideas, you run into trouble. It's not that anyone is giving you a hard time; it's just that no one seems to take you too seriously now. Back up and try again tomorrow.

todays:Fun is in the air and even if you're ready to participate, you must stay on top of previous commitments. You might not feel like meeting your obligations, and this current dilemma probably isn't a new one for you. In fact, this may be part of your annual holiday routine. Figure out how to take care of your responsibilities, for then you'll truly be able to enjoy yourself completely.

tomorrows: A very down-to-earth approach to your money can be very useful now. It's not too late to take responsibility for careless finances, especially if you've been a bit extravagant recently. Think about where you can cut back and then put your plan into action. Even the smallest adjustments can have the impact you currently need.

eh.. dont know what to do.. horoscope isnt clear.. i thought itd give me this big thing.. a big answer to all my problems.. lol im stupid i know,.. i thought id try.. oh well..

I was crazy last night... I dont know what got into me.. it was just a stressful day... i dunno.. i hope to see her today before i leave... :( My uncle mike will take me... if i dont get the chance.. I have to go see bobby... I love her... i have to see her before i go... just kiss her again...one she'll never forget... and hug her and hold her so close... if even only for a minute.. i need to... Im ok... i think i am anyway.. its crazy.. I dunno.. well thats all i wanted to post.. i dunno if i will write anymore today but i will post as soon as i get down there... merry christmas baby... merry christmas everyone... i love you all and will miss you very much.. happy hanukkah to some... lol :) love you guys too.. c ya.. I shall return

its never about me and what i need.. its always on her terms.. i need to talk "can we talk about this in the morning??" what the fuck ever.. fuck you and have fun with her too.. i hate this its always about you... never about me... why is that?? You love me so much? so fucking much...FUCKING PROVE IT! thank you so very much for talking to me when i need you i appreciate it...
We talk about your work how your boss is a jerk
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts
We talk about the troubles you've been having with your brother
About your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover
We talk about your friends and the places that you've been
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose
And God knows we're gonna talk about your clothes
You know talking about you makes me smile
But every once in awhile

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me,me,me,-background singers)
I wanna talk about me

We talk about your dreams and we talk about your schemes
your high school team and your moisturizer creme
We talk about your nanna up in Muncie, Indiana
We talk about your grandma down in Alabama
We talk about your guys of every shape and size
The ones that you despise and the ones you idolize
We talk about your heart, about your brains and your smarts
And your medical charts and when you start
You know talking about you makes me grin
But every now and then

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me,me,me-background singers)
I wanna talk about me
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me,me)
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me)
You you you you you you you you youyouyouyouyou
I wanna talk about me

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me,me,me-background singers)
I wanna talk about me
I wanna talk about me(me,me,me,me,me,me-background singers)
Oh me!

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take


And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

i hate this... i love her.. im leaving... it hurts.. ill be back though... cant wait... need to be happy.. need a happy life.. a happy future... going to vegas... ill see my baby sister... i thought i would be really more excited than i am now... maybe if it were under different circumstances that i got to go id be happier... im not sure im even looking forward to it anymore... i dont know anything anymore.. she wont kiss me infront of her... that hurts... wasnt i here first?... doesnt she kiss him infront of her??... i was mean... i dont think its fair... this could be the last time she sees me... god forbid i die tonigh of an anurism or something... and she wouldnt even kiss me... why?.. because its awkard... she said she loves her.. that shes in love with her... she loves me.. i know... but she isnt in love with me anymore... i dont think anyway... she doesnt want me to go... then she does.. ill be better for us... its not fair... i cant take this... how can she fall in love with so many different people when she says shes in love with me?.. I dont understand... im upset.. it isnt her fault... she keeps telling me if its not ok with me she wont do it.. that would hurt her... both of them... id rather sit back and take the pain for that moment of happiness... she almost went to see her uncle today.. that hurt.. hurt so bad.. we were so upset.. we couldnt do anything... little does she know i feel helpless like that all the time.. i dont like that feeling... i hate it... i just want her to be happy... and she cant be happy with just me and only me.. she needs someone else to love too... how does that make me feel?.. you honestly want to know?.. inadequite(sp??)... I cant make her happy anymore.. i dont know how.. i dont know what to do... i knew this would happen though... i told them it would... and she asked her do you love me?.. why?... why would you ask that?? its only been a couple weeks?... i dont understand... she isnt trying to take her.. I dont think she is anyway... i told her i dont know if i can do it anymore... with her loving someone else... showing them... she doesnt show me?.. i ask all the time what can i do different?... no responce... dont know what to do... my mind is racing.. i cant hate her.. it isnt her fault.. sometimes i wish i could... It isnt fair.. why does she love her so much?... and not me?.. i wish none of this would have happened sometimes... then i think it may be a blessing in disguise... I dunno what to think... im thinking too much... overload... I cant believe she said that to me.. "its just awkard i suppose" ... WHO CARES!! What if you never see me again?.. what if i die? what if i dont wake up?... you'd wish you had then... it isnt fair... we were just playin and flirting before... how did it get to love? sex and love are two different things... they can go together but i didnt want it to... i knew it would though.. its my fault i said it was ok knowing this would happen knowing it would be the love thing again... she said she would tell me... she didnt... i had to ask.. that isnt right... i was pissed.. no .. not pissed... hurt... i felt betrayed.. im not sure by who... both maybe.. it just hurt... bad.. really bad.. then she asked whats wrong?... are you f ing kidding me?... whats wrong??? do you remember how i acted last time when i had to ask?... i flipped.. i dont wanna go through all that drama again.. i knew it.. i knew it would all go down like this.. i knew it would... its all my fault... ITS ALL MY FAULT ... Im not sure how much longer i can take this... she loves me ... she is my friend... she didnt mean anything... i dunno what she thought would happen... I told her i didnt want her to... she did it anyway.. then she asked me if i was ok with it.. i told her yes after i told her no.... I kinda was i just didnt want this to happen... i started this whole thing.. Im stupid i dont know if i would re do it if i could though...i want to be her friend so bad.. and i am... but im so angry... so hurt.. not her fault thoguh.. its mine.. because i knew it.. but i told her i didnt want it to be more than sex and i was afraid it would turn into more.. did she even care about my concern??... im not sure... she says shes trying to help... i see her doing that.. but why would you ask if she loves you then?.... what did you expect her to say no?.. Im not sure if im mad at her for asking... should i be?.. do i even have a right to be??... she is my fiance .. well was anyway... when you are going to get married to someone do you go around telling other people you love them in the in love kind of way?? ... i never have... ever... ive never so much as kissed someone else.. ive wanted to but havent.. it was just one of those silly crush things,... it was on her.. how ironic... right? ... noone wants me.. noone thinks im attractive,... everyone wants her.. this is the second time this i love you has happened... it makes me sad...does that mean she loves me less?... how can she love so many people??... does she want to?.. who knows what she wants... she can never make up her mind... shes so stubborn... never talks.. love.. everyone loves her.. why her?.. why my girl?? someone has always been in the way taking her away... not saying she is trying to... just saying.. just venting.. just letting my fingers say what my head thinks... its hard.. its hard to be happy now,,.. hard to understand... everything is sooo damn hard to understand... i wish i could... why did she want me to tell her that i wouldnt do anything with anyone in florida?... why does she care... how come she can?? not like i want to... just saying.. why is it ok for her but not me?... see not understanding again... tired.. pukey.. stressed.. upset.. hurt.. angry .. happy... excited.. regretful... content... jumbled.. this doesnt make sence... i hate this... streets of heaven... good song.. "it must be kind of crowded in the streets of heaven so tell me what do you need her for? dont you know one day shell be your little girl forever but right now i need her som much more""lord dont you know shes my angel youve got plenty of your own".. thankyou.. for leaving her here.. i love her.. i like her.. shes nice.. i just want to be her friend... its so hard to talk to her honestly though.. sometimes i really dont like her.. for no reasons of her own though... my fault.. shes right everything is my fault.. its so difficult for you to understand who im talking about becaus ehtey are both shes huh? well thats ok its just meant for me anyway.. the people who are involved would understan... just venting... im crazy.. this is crazy.. everything is so damn crazy.. CRAZY CRAZY... CRAZY!!@!!!@!!! god.. im so frusterated... soooo frustrated... i dunno what to think or say.. or do.. confused.. love.. hate.. trust.. betrayl..confusion... love somemore.. sadness.. kindness.. frustration.... eh.. eh.. pain.. tears.. fears.. blood.. so much blood.. starvation.. im sick... the crazy kind of sick.. the really crazy kind.. i cant stand this.. try to be strong tori.. try.. i cant.. i try so hard everyday to make her happy.. "i deserve to be treated good... you never did".. that hurts.. hurts bad.. stay strong... love hard.. love like youve never been hurt.. yeah right,... too much hurt... too much.. dont know what to do... cant take this... she doesnt want to be my friend.. she feels like she has to.. doesnt care how im feeling...doesnt call to see if im ok... why? i thought we were friends... well she'll have her to herself for a while not like she hasnt.. so confused.. dont know who cares who doesnt... who feels like they should... how come noone ever asks me if im ok?why?,,, because i mean nothing noone loves me... noone wants me... they only want me for a while then want everyone else.. why do all my girlfriends always want someone else... ??... why am i not good enough??.. i thought i was.. why me?? why her?? why this?? why love?? i told her if it ever happened again i would leave her... why did she do it again... ??>... does she evn care??im not sure... i know she does.. then i think she doesnt.. if actions speak louder than words then i would be dirt... "do you love me? do you wanna be my friend? and if you do... well then dont be afraid to take me by the hand if you want to.. i think this is how love goes check yes or no." why does she push me away?? am i that hard to talk to?? i didnt think so... maybe i am .. maybe thats why this happens every time... they are together... i never said that was ok... i said sex.. everyone needs something new now and then... i never agreed to this... this is exactly what i voted against...i told her this would happen.. i knew it would.. i knew it... why did i let it happen... this is nuts... im nuts... im going nuts.. so very nuts... so so nuts.. god DAMNED NUTS!!!!!i hate this.. hate it.. i love her.. try to be her friend...i want to be... i do... i just dont know if we are friends because we are or because she is both of ours in a sence... i wanted to work together on this... but now im not so sure.. i cant take it anymore.. i have no friends no life.. my fiance doesnt want me.. loves me but doesnt love me..its rough.. i like this osng.. It's alright to tell me what you think about me
I won't try to argue or hold it against you
I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons
The season is calling your pictures are falling down

The steps that I retraced the sad look on your face
The timing and structure, did you hear, he fucked her
A day late a buck short I'm writing the report
On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long
To face this on my own, well I guess this is growing up

And maybe I'll see you at a movie, sneak preview
You show up and walk by on the arm of that guy
And I'll smile and you'll wave
We'll pretend it's okay
The charade, it won't last
When he's gone, I won't come back

And it'll happen once again, you'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone, and you've been there for too long,
To face this on your own, well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up

eh..
i dunno.. i dunno anything not even what to write aanymore.. my thoughs are going to quick now.. i get part of one then part of another and forget the rest of the one before.. life sucks.. i hate it.. i wish i could say im gonna go i have someone to talk to... but i dont.. because i suck.. im a loser.. everyone hates me... lol its kinda funny.. actually.. do you see the light in my eyes?? hmm.. i wonder why or why not... lol being a bitch sorry.. so stressed im laughing.. never a good sign... singing "ive got sunshine on a cloudy day......my girl... talking bout my giirll.. my girl"... lol.. giggly now....going more crazy every minute... laughing way too loud now... ehh.. HA hA Ha HaHAAAaaaAAA HHHAaaAAaaHhhAAhha.. lol.. funny stuff.. nothing to lugh at but im laughing how dumb is that..??!!!...? dumb.. crazy really.. eh.. oh well i waited long enough for someone to get on here and talk to me.. no friends.. oh well.. life sucks.. it unfortunately goes on... "is it that you dont want to be with me anymore" what the fuck?!!!??!?!?!?!! oh my god.. i hate myself.... i hate my life... i wish everything could just be ok.. i wish i could stop being crazy.. DONT THAT SUCK!!! geeze... "a place to spend my quiet nights time to unwind so much pressure in this life of mine i once contenplated sucicide but when i held that nine all i could see is my mamas eyes noone knows my struggle they only see the trouble not knowin its hard to carry on when noone loves you" "i need a house thats full of love" Im so fuckin crazy... too crazy "dear mama dont cry your baby boy's doin good tell the homies Im in heaven" "found peace that lasts" "so right before i sleep dear god what im askin remember this face save me a place in thug mansion" ,... no body cares.. they dont... oh well... oh well... as my mommom says OH WELL lol... funny huh? shes crazy too.. sometimes.. i love her though..lol so giggly.. FUCK THIS i wish i could stay but i have to go.. see you all soon..

"Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
Im a hole 6-foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
Let me rest in peace
Why won't you
Let me rest in peace?" (spike)

I touch the fire, and it freezes me
I look into it, and it's black
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
I want the fire back
So one by one, they turn from me
I guess my friends can't face the cold
What can't we face?
But why I froze,
Not one among them knows
Together
And never can be told
These endless days
Are finally ending in a blaze
And we are
Caught in the fire
The point of no return
So we will
Walk through the fire
And let it burn " (all)

"Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear?
When we know home is near
Understand
We'll go hand in hand
But we'll walk alone in fear" (all)

=========================================================================================================

it's not as if i am a main person in anyone's life except for tori's... only tori's... so i shouldn't care, but i have been super sensitive about things lately...

i love you....
and i'm sorry that it hurts you

the 2 people i care so much about i am tearing apart.... would it be easier to have neither?

to just be by myself?

or to not be here?

so tori asked me to marry her and i said YES! yay! i'm very excited! my cat was sick and she is better... and destiny is having pups! now i am going to die in a game so i can sit with my love. c ya!

tori is grounded for a month and i already miss her like crazy.

i want to be left alone but i want to see tori..

and i want tori to kiss me, and stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be ok...
but i want to be with tori...

if i could do that and then to go tori's i would be so happy, because going back to that house hurts me so bad and no one understands that but her... and she can make me smile.

i sound obsessed, don't i? ah vell.

i am not looking forward to tomorrow. the only thing i want is to see her face.

i guess school was a little good... i got to meet her there, and i will get to see her tomorrow. but then what? i can't see past her eyes... that look in them. i can't stand it. i want to make it go away for her... but i can't. i can't make things better... i hate typing all of this, and i want no ones pity. i just need to write it. maybe i will look at this tomorrow and be able to figure out what it means... but as of now, come tomorrow i will see her, and kiss her, and love her, and hold her for as long as possible, and look into those beautiful sad eyes... and i will have to leave her there... with the look that won't let her go... because i can't stay with her... everyone tells me i can't. i don't know where i will go or what i will do because i can't see. my eyes have closed on me... i wish that she and i could be together forever... happy... i know that much. then why can't i see past this? why can't i feel anything? when i think about her i freeze up... my chest tightens, it gets hard to breathe, and i feel like i am going to pass out... yet i can't cry. i think it is because i feel like i failed her... when she cried, i couldn't wipe away all of her tears, and when she screamed i couldn't fight away all of her fears... right now i don't know what she is doing, what she is thinking, if she is sad, scared, angry... if she needs me, i'm not there for her and i hate that. and she wouldn't tell me if she needed me... and i don't want to make her feel bad for not being here for me... because it isn't her fault... i just wish i could go be with her... i mean, i could get a way there, but i don't want to get her in trouble or wake her up if she is having a peaceful sleep... i'm being so repetitive... i know... i'm just typing what i am thinking. i want to go see her, but i don't... i am scared that if i see her now i won't see tomorrow. because after i see her again it will be easier... am i really thinking these things? am i really willing to give up a future with the pretty baby i have always wanted?
"There's a carrot top who can barely walk
With a sippy cup of milk
A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong
'Cause she likes to dress herself
And the most beautiful girl holding both of them
And the view I love the most
Is my front porch looking in, yeah"

i want that so bad... and i want to stay with her for as long as she will allow me... it's just so hard. i never want to leave her, i want to kiss her every second of the day, hold her in my arms at night... i want so much... and i am just scared that one day i will have everything i ever dreamed of, and then someone will come and take it all away just like they did with everything else... i told her earlier that sometimes i wish i didn't love her as much as i do, that way i could just end it all... it would be easier. but i don't mean it. i am so happy she is in my life... i feel lucky every second just to know she loves me... i am so scared of hurting her... but i am even more scared that i hurt her everyday... i can't control what i am saying right now... i barely know what i am thinking... i don't want to hurt anymore..i don't want to hurt her... i want to see inside her head and find out how she is feeling... i don't really understand how she feels about all of this and it confuses me... like, i was all out freaking earlier and she sounded... normal in her not normal way... i don't know. she hides things well... i just wish she could let me in a little bit more... i want to hear her voice so bad... i just got her shirt... she smells so good... it makes me remember how her hugs feel... it was just today, but it feels like forever ago... i need her now, and this is all i have. and now i cry... i remember how my arms felt around her tiny shoulders, how she felt against my neck, and i just breathed... and cried... and i told her i loved her... and left. i couldn't look back. i wanted to hug uncle billy so bad... i don't know why i cry everytime i think about him... i think it's the look on his face anymore... the sound of his voice. he sounds so sad... and i feel as if i have wronged him in some way... and i don't like it... he has been nothing but great to me, and he has done so much... and i don't feel like i have given anything back... i need him just as much as i need little bird. i need him because he is the only man in my life that i can trust... the only one who hasn't hurt me. yesterday i wanted to go in there and cry to him, and hug him... tell him i'm sorry for everything... sorry for lying. because when he asks if i am ok, i lie. i say i'm fine. i'll tell him the truth... i haven't been ok in a long time. i love him. i honestly do. he is an amazing man who deserves so much more than the world has to offer to him...

my mind is racing, going off in so many different directions... i can't stop. all i know is that i love her so much... so much more than i could ever say... she is my everything. the reason why i am still breathing now... i can't wait to see her in the morning... i miss her so much... i can't wait to smell her... she smells so good... to kiss her, god, to kiss her... and to look into those sad eyes...

"love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes"

i know this entry made just about no sense... and i still don't understand it... i really don't.

little bird, i love you... i am so sorry. i don't know what to do, that's all. i love you with everything i have in me. i'm trying, baby, i'm trying so hard... i need you. i can't wait till the morning when i can see you, hold you... just be near you. i love you so much. please, don't forget that, ever... i didn't mean what i said on the phone earlier... i am glad i am with you... i wouldn't change it. i love you... please, baby... call me if you see this tonight. please. i don't care what time it is... and if i don't answer at first, keep trying. i love you, little bird.

i want to go home to you.

... my goal is to make it to tomorrow... i need to see her and tell her i love her and always will... i NEED to see her... to look into those amazingly beautiful eyes... and kiss her... kiss her til i can't breathe... and cry.

i need her...

... all i want is to be back at that house... around all the chaos, all the dogs, the pepsi i don't really like, and the pepsi i do, and my hampsters, and uncle billy, and jessi (sp?) who never really knows what she wants, and timmy being as homicidal as can be, and her... all i want is tori... i want to be warm in her arms... i just want to kiss her and have her tell me everything will be alright. and i can't have it... i guess i'll get used to it... i hate it... why can't it end? how can i be so afraid to die but wish it on myself as much as i do right now?

tori, я люблю Вас ..., пожалуйста держите меня в ваших руках навсегда ..., никогда не позволяют мне идти.
....remember all this stuff???
its crazy to think all of the thigs you said about me i remember the way you used to look at me and the way you used to hold me and want me and it hurts... but it makes me smile because those were good times. I hate the bad times though... im sorry everything is so crazy and i still love you... im sorry this is happening... I just wanted to make you happy and i thought i did.. im sorry i couldnt be what you needed..

everything seems weird... it seems like she has a new family..shes cleaning...decorating christmas trees.. i thought coming here nad seeing her would make me happy... i am happy i see her... just sad too.. i know it doesnt make sence... im crazy.. gotta go

I mean i love her.. but love is blind... I have such mixed emotions about this whole mess... Its going to be wierd not talking to her or seeing her.. hell its been wierd ont seeing her for the past week... I gave her plenty of opportunities to make things right... then she tells me she doesnt want me to go that she loves me... then its i wish ou woiuld leave now i hate you.. my heart is broken,,,, it has been before but never this bad... I cant take this... i hate this... i love her.. i hate her... I cant stop thinking of her.. i just wnted some closure on this and a friendship to come out of it but she didnt want that.. she never wanted what i wanted... im sure my heart will be mended soon enough.. im going to live alone... im not going to jump into reltionships like some people i know... i cant stand this... it just hurts so bad.. and then she says i hurt her... yep... uh huh... i was mean to her sure AFTER she did all of this shit to me so fuck her... an fuck the person i thought was my friend too... fuck them all... im so hurt and pissed it isnt fair... it just isnt.. i did everything for her and i get shit on in return... I hope im not late to start my new job... i start wed. :( its sad but a good thing i guess... itll let me clear my head an think and join the military and become a pilot like i always wanted to but she wouldnt wait for me... maybe she idnt love me at all thats why it was so easy for her to be cold to me all the time... this is all my faut.. you know why? because i love too hard and give too much and get taken advantage of.. and i let this happen i let her treat me like firt and stuck arond maybe if i would have left 6 months ago she would have realized certain things and been faithful and honest to me... but this must be for the best even though my lifr got turned upside down... again... everything happens for a reason... I will always miss her though.. and she will always have a special place in my heart... Ill never be able to forget her,... we did have many good times... the bad ones just out weighed them and its sad when i think about it... so im gonna stop now... I love you my precious little mouse.. i do.... im sorry it had to end this way... But i guess its just time to let go.... i hope you are well and safe and find someone you can love... love with everything you have in you... i hope they never let you down and you find true happiness... Goodbye love.. goodbye... i love... you. I know you wont call or write but i will write to you... keep the good memories close to your heart and let the bad ones go... not just in our relationship but in life... give forgiveness to everyone who has wronged you... you will find it makes you feel much better instead of holding onto the past... just let go and be happy... just be happy.. sweet dreams... sleep well... i love you.. and goodbye... goodbye.. im sorry i have to go.. goodbye

Hey.. Does anyone know where I can get good ringtones for my phone? Ones that actually have voices on them.? I am trying to find the part from light my candle "they used to tie you up, it's a living, I didnt recognize you without the handcuffs" Please help... thanks tori

Why can't I just be happy.. I'm so aggarvated ... she has to be in my business all the time just because i have to use her fucking address... she isnt controling this again... I;m a big girl now.. i dont need her just her address... I hate her and she always has to act like shes the one who made me do something.. she isnt making me do it... im doing it because i want to... i hate her... i told her they arent getting her phone number... they have mine... the arent calling her or giving her any information on me... if she tries to screw this up for me i'll kill her..im aggarvated.. i haev to go

Tired.. very tired... Working way too much.. thinking way too much...I'm sick of all this crap... im depressed but happy and content at the same time if that makes any sense.. i hate my life but i love it... but i want to start it over in a new place... somewhere far away... but i did get approved for a loan for a house.. but i kinda didnt... confusing... Well we got approved to make the payments and all we just need some credit.. or someone who has credit to sign with us and we can move in... that would be nice... I'm a manager now!! yay for tori... I wish i could just hit the lotterey though... some crzy guy who was drunk very very drunk came by last night and wouldnt leave and kept opening my window and screaming so i called the cops.they didnt do anything... just had someone pick him up but left before the drunk guy actually left... stupid cops...is anyone a millionaire? wanna hand some my way?? lol... i smoked my last cigarette on my way here... I wish I had a life.... a comfortable one...Im so uncomfortble in this life of mine and its causing alicia and i to figh so much and i hate it.. I can't stand it... I don't know how to make things better.. I wish i did.. I miss when we used to be lovey all of the time and kiss just because but we dont anymore because both of us are just too frustrated right now to be happy how we used to be... anyway i have a new bump on my rib... eh.. what can ya do? I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd or 23 of november... anyway my aunt just woke up so i have to go just felt like writing a little.. hope you all are well

So things have been a little crazy... I hope everyone is doing well. I'm tired... just very tired... I dont know what to write really i just wanted to let everyone know that im alive i guess.. if anyone even really cares... things are looking up though i guess... I need a job... my rent is going to be late if i dont get one soon.. eh... just saying hello... c yall